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Breaking Chairs of Grizzly Bears

by Ethan Mawyer

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1.
I walked 'til I was weary Then I found a forest clearing With the thing for which I'd been hopin' It was bigger than my house and I thought that I'd check it out since The front door was somehow wide open I saw a table full Of a type of cereal Looked like Quaker Oats but it was not Although I already ate At the time, it seemed a great Idea to test out what they'd got So I was tasting their porridge, one's too hot Tasting their porridge, this hurts a lot I was tasting their porridge one's cold as ice Tasting their porridge and this one's just right I pigged out! (another solo) Well after eating their breakfast I think I should have fled fast So the owners would not attack me But since I'm not very bright I did what I felt like Which was sit in a chair just relaxin' In one chair I tried to sit But I was too big to fit Second chair was too big for me The last one was just fine So sat for a very long time Now the chair is broken, oopsie! I tell you breaking chairs of grizzlies is real bad Breaking chairs of grizzlies makes them mad Stay away from grizzlies' rocking chairs Breaking chairs of grizzlies will irk the grizzly bears (Solo time) (Bears) (More bears) The events that transpired Served to make me quite tired So I went up to the sleeping quarters One was so soft it was mushy One was too hard for my tushy Was the mattress made of brick and mortar? And on my final try Well I was out like a light And dreamt the house's owners had come back Noise awoke me from that dream And soon I began to scream I just about had a heart attack Since I was facing bears with big fists - fists of rage Facing bears with big fists - I'm no sage Facing bears with big fists - then I know Facing bears with big fists means that it's time to go (Even more bears) Making for the exit, woo Making for the exit Making for the exit, yup Making for the exit I was making for the exit Making for the exit I was making for the exit, yeah Making for the exit, yeah Maybe I'd face prison, if more big Blame goes to my parents, since I'm six Racing from the grizzlies, all downhill Racing from the grizzlies - ha ha they took a spill Raiding where there's grizzlies Tasting their porridge I was breaking chairs of grizzlies I was facing bears with big fists Then, I was racing for the exit Place the blame on my parents
2.
He thinks he’s Don Juan The pied piper of love songs Smooth words, But got no grace He’s always One track mind thinking Wining, dining Skipping all that, straight to kissing Got no hope And no clue, nope And of course he don’t have permission Thinks he’s suave (Le Pew) But he does things creepy stalkers do When he farts (Le Pew) You will say ooh blech like Bartholomew He’s a nut (Le Pew) Makes you say E then W And his butt… (Le Pew) He’s the bad sort of funky No shame and zero honor No shame and zero honor No shame and zero honor The cartoon skunk is always hitting on her The cartoon skunk is always hitting on her The cartoon skunk is always hitting on her Run for your life if you see this skunk Don’t be near when he farts Don’t be near when he talks Don’t be near if you’re smart Don’t be near him at all Don’t be near him at all Don’t be near him at all Cops…why you oughta See if he’s got restraining orders Take his prints, grab his tail Why is he not in jail? Out in Paris, Avignon, And the whole French country If he sees you, you should watch out Since this guy is just so skunky Thinks he’s suave (Pepe) He’s as high-class as a Chik-Fil-A When he farts (Pepe) Then your sinuses want to run away Thinks he’s smart (Pepe) He does not have intellibrains He tries hard (Pepe) Hard is how she’ll be running No shame and zero honor No shame and zero honor No shame and zero honor This cartoon skunk is always hitting on her This cartoon skunk is always hitting on her This cartoon skunk is always hitting on her Run for your life if you see this skunk Don’t be near when he farts Don’t be near when he talks Don’t be near if you’re smart Don’t be near him at all Don’t be near him at all Don’t be near him at all You’ll wanna sneeze That won’t help you much though Upwind skunk is yuck Upwind skunk is yuck Also downwind skunk is yuck Skunk is always yuck Upwind skunk is yuck Upwind skunk is yuck Also downwind skunk is yuck Skunk is always yuck They call France romantic But what he does, well that’s sick They are creepy weird antics More maddening than mass transit There’s no chance she’ll like him It’s expected she’s frightened Well now he is a skunk and she is a cat That’s not why this is wrong All about it is wrong It’s completely just wrong This is weird and just wrong It is really so wrong That’s the point of this song Cartoon skunk is yuck Cartoon skunk is yuck Cartoon skunk is yuck Cartoon skunk is yuck Cartoon skunk is yuck Cartoon skunk is yuck Cartoon skunk is yuck Cartoon skunk is yuck Cartoon skunk is yuck Cartoon skunk is yuck Cartoon skunk is yuck Cartoon skunk is yuck Cartoon skunk is yuck Cartoon skunk is yuck Cartoon skunk is yuck
3.
I'm swimming And frightened of contact with the squid thing Same for the fish it's crazy One touch is death, not much room for mistakes I doubt I'll leave this lake If I don't grow to super size My small self always dies Just from touching the bad guys I need a mushroom I'm walking I walk up to a turtle It feels like a giant hurdle But that's because I am extremely short My plan is don't be short There's one way that's accomplished Still won't mean I can stomp fish But it means less chance of doom I need a mushroom I need a mushroom I need one so I can break stuff I break bricks to get money Which gives me more life somehow I need a mushroom It's a drug but that's no problem Skin will stretch but that's okay I'll be better off that way I don't want hammers hurting me Or turtle touch destroying me My size now is annoying me So.... I need a mushroom I need one so I can break stuff I break bricks to get money Which gives me more life somehow I need a mushroom It's a drug but that's no problem Skin will stretch but that's okay I'll be better off that way I'm guessin' A bunch of you have a question You wonder if my size obsession Implies something that's less than flattering But that's a silly thing I told you why I need a mushroom It protects body and soul Unless I fall in a hole But If I'm not falling I need a mushroom I need a mushroom I need a mushroom I need a mushroom I need a mushroom I need a mushroom
4.
The Marathon 05:13
One Autumn, at brunchtime, My father turned on the kitchen TV To see the people run There were hundreds of dozens Of all speeds all brave to be in motion Since the sound of the gun It was hard to believe that The lead pack was able to achieve and Sustain that sort of speed I paid money, to sign up, to try it I hoped I wasn't gonna Destroy my back and knees Now I'm gon- Na narrate What happened As if it were occurring Now at the present time But it's later, you know that While racing, I'd basically be silent And wouldn't think to rhyme I kind of feel like keeling, I have got 23 Remaining miles I should've started slow I've hit the wall, I'm gonna fall And get trampled by feet It's scarier than anything by Poe The marathon, the marathon I should have spent the morning sleeping But I'm running this marathon, the marathon It's not something I'm enjoying It's really sole destroying My muscles might start healing, by next Feb-ru-a-ry My energy and strength do not exist The pain is real, cross-trainers feel Like they were old last year I wish that I had slept longer and missed The marathon, the marathon It is attempting to defeat me My enemy the marathon, the marathon Some one is smoking and she's near me Like breathing wasn't hard be... Four old men all jogging passed me by Ow, ow, ow Lactic acid buildup in my thighs Ow, ow, ow If you can't relate then you make me jealous Here's a bridge, somebody push me Failed this test, and got my tushy kicked Like a fridge, I'm running stiffly I wanna rest, sit on a cushion quick Is what I'm not, and now I'm heading Up to the Bronx, I might be getting sick Hard to tell, since I'm so tired I just fell, I cannot try more There is no chance, that I will finish My back's destroyed, like I feared all along Here's the van, so I'll be picked up Fi-na-lly The marathon, the marathon Feels like my body is defeated No energy thanks marathon, thanks marathon And when next year’s almost completed I’ll try another marathon (fading out, mixed with “the marathon” as in the original) Stupid thighs, they’re really burning Can barely walk, I didn’t train, not smart Stomach’s like, it’s butter churning Can barely talk, when does the next one start? Stupid thighs, they’re really burning Can barely walk, I didn’t train, not smart Stomach’s like, it’s butter churning Can barely talk, when does the next one start?
5.
Slang! 02:45
Is this drugs? What is fleek Is that some sort of Greek? And I’m flummoxed how someone is suddenly weak I’m intelligent, why Do these things make my mind explode? (Slang! Slang! Slang!) Also, will you tell me What is spilling the tea Seems the liquid will stick in that figure of speech I’m intelligent, yeah, But I can’t seem to crack the code (feeling old) My salad days are gone, everybody The words I hear sound wrong, everybody Oh dang Can’t keep up with the slang I’m from the time of takes two to tango And did this guy just say I’m a mango? What’s mang? Can’t keep up with the slang I’ve been watching a gif And I’m wondering if I am happy then why would I yeet off a cliff? I’m intelligent, right? But at moments it’s like who knows? (Slang! Slang! Slang!) Metrocard Yeah right now I’m yelling At kids on the bus Because they were tellin’ Each other I’m sus And I cannot spell this But from their looks it must Be ruder than a cuss It must be bad, it must How does a movie slap, I don’t get it The words they say in rap, ah, forget it Oh dang Can’t keep up with the slang (slang slang slang) It makes no sense to me, all this lingo I feel like I should be playing bingo Oh dang Can’t keep up with the slang (Dang Dang Slang) (Dang Dang Slang) I’m intelligent, right? But at moments it’s like who knows These words fill me with doubt, everybody My brain feels like it’s out of my body Like Krang Can’t keep up with the slang My salad days are gone, everybody The words I hear sound wrong, everybody Oh dang Can’t keep up with the slang I’m from the time of takes two to tango And did this guy just say I’m a mango? What’s mang? Can’t keep up with the slang
6.
Grey Poupon 02:36
You say that this dinner is delicious I insist it’s a little bit bland From steak to sausage to sandwiches There’s one thing that my tongue demands I smear it on bagels and pretzels I like it dabbed on caviar This is why I have cabinets full Of the greatest thing found in a jar It goes on jellybeans and in yogurt It goes on red crustaceans and squid I put it on beefsteak And also on cheesecake It goes on lasagna Do not judge me, Tanya Now listen up buster Nothing cuts the mustard Like the contents found under that lid There’s a lot of things which it goes on Grey Poupon! The haters might speak of expenses They might think there are flavors that clash If they looked from my mental lenses They’d know their opinions are trash The supermarket has more options Like ketchup and mayo, I guess But I won’t get those when I shop since My palate won’t settle for less So Poupon on fondue and on red beans And Poupon on my purple eggplant It’s on watermelon Don’t make that face, Helen On taffy that’s sticky Stop mocking me, Mickey On raisins and chili It ain’t gonna kill me And no one can tell me I can’t Put this thing on whatever I want Grey Poupon! On poutine and bruschetta and flan Grey Poupon!
7.
Traffic Jam 03:42
Never been a long ride, Fifteen minutes, normal speed, at most But there’s gridlock outside So my plans to move are now toast Now my speed is like An earthworm that crawls in compost I never…. will get off... this road The gridlocked highway is so frustrating Horns are honking so loud I am bored to tears Want to be anywhere but here Oh, oh Don’t want to be stuck, boo hoo Foot is on the brake Feels like this route was a mistake Oh oh Don’t want to be stuck, boo hoo See the ramp, up ahead Now my face is turning red because Nothing I can do I am bored to tears Why won’t this traffic disappear? Oh oh Don’t want to be stuck, boo hoo So now the sky’s gone black And the shindig is starting at eight Seems I am on track To get to the party later than late Unlike me right now All my friends are not going to wait I never will get off this road Got key lime pie, spent the whole day baking Guess it’s getting cold now Smorgasbord is out Could have pastrami in my mouth But no Still seem to be stuck, boo hoo Wine is there with cheese But now I whine about my speed So slow Still seem to be stuck, boo hoo See the ramp, on the right I will drive on that tonight, maybe If I can get through The smorgasbord is done Now they are really having fun FOMO Don’t have any luck, boo hoo Went from eight Southbound lanes To two, boo hoo I’m still bored to tears These last few hours feel like years Oh Oh How am I still stuck? boo hoo Foot is on the break I’ve got a hunger bellyache Oh no Need something to munch, it’s true Now it would be so nice If I had a key lime slice Nom nom Only one or two Now the road is clear And the whole pie has disappeared Oh no! Now I’m really stuffed, boo hoo Stuffed, boo hoo! Wah wah wah wah wah wah
8.
I tried to write a poem I believed the gesture would be nice Conscience said I’d best apologize Pronto I said that I’d be home Just about exactly half-past ten Then eleven thirty came and went Oh No And here’s what happened The game went extra innings One more round after winning The train moves slowly after dar-ar-ark I messed Uuuuuuup She’s like yeah fine it’s fine Now I feel queasy Like I need to run I messed Uuuuuuup Her breath is full of wine No point of mind tricks Point is that I’m done Help! Help! Help! Her mother is in town The plan was seeing System of a Down Guess she isn’t going with me now Yeah, no She said to sell both tickets But I don’t want to miss it I said I’ll go with my friend Ma-a-ark I messed uuuuuuup She’s like yeah fine it’s fine Now I’ll be sleeping On a fuzzy couch I messed Uuuuuuuuuup Guess I was out of line These words are nice-ish But her tone is ouch I’m not gonna say enough of this Or consult a couples therapist Since both of those would miss The point I messed Uuuuuup It clearly isn’t fine Now I’ll be sleeping On a fuzzy couch I messed Uuuuuup It clearly isn’t fine Now I’ll be sleeping On a fuzzy couch
9.
Quite High 03:17
On the other side of reality Is the place I seem to be A bird threw eggs at me I caught them with my feet Had a magic carpet ride That is when I almost died Since the rug went and vaporized On me Oh and the bird eggs Gave me a hurt head After the bird plotzed Somehow I played slots Don't make a lot of sense I should have gotten tense But I just kept on trekking through Oh, how weird? Super I'm not near Koopa Must've gotten quite high Ay yi yi yi Fighting Fry Guy After all the ice, why Isn’t that guy's lair At the bottom of a fire pit? Weakness dooms me Cure for that is shroom-y Phantoms guard the room keys That shrink before using Not much can explain Something that insane Guess I've gotten quite high Ay yi yi yi Mouth is getting dry in an endless desert The digging makes my legs hurt And I thought there would be treasure From all that pain And now, there's that mouse again Like a bad comedian He is bombing on a ledge Of sorts Cactus with four heads Should give me more dread But in this mind state It seems just fine, great The vegetable I picked Became a rocketship My mind is playing tricks on me Oh, how weird? Super I'm not near Koopa Must've gotten quite high Ay yi yi yi Fighting Fry Guy After all the ice, why Wasn't that thing's lair At the bottom of a fire pit? In the sand dunes Snift is such a bad dude Bullets are his ah-choo Turned me into rat food Then alive once more How so? I’m unsure Must've gotten quite high Ay yi yi yi Evil bees jab at my knees And skating snowmen, jeez Unmoving whales Weirder than the time When I was sprouting raccoon tails On the other side of a magic door I'll pick up a coin or four Might find another world Mushroom is there of course Oh, how weird? Super I'm not near Koopa Must've gotten quite high Ay yi yi yi Fighting Fry Guy After all the ice, why Isn’t that guy's lair At the bottom of a fire pit? Weakness dooms me Cure for that is shroom-y Phantoms guard the room keys That shrink before using Not much can explain Something that insane Guess I've gotten quite high Ay yi yi yi
10.
Allergies 04:48
How can I snooze without free airways? Weeds in the breeze mean I’m sneezing for days Think it’s been twenty, that’s plenty Since I felt okay I know what’s wrong, it’s immune overdrive Body’s just working to keep me alive But it’s too eager So I’m beleaguered And quite sleep deprived My bed’s full of watery discharge, thanks nose More laundry to do, since this is gross These allergies mean more achoos Also coughs and tears and headaches I don’t start to drool when bread bakes And these allergies Should get all the boos Got me runny-nosed and ranty As for histamines, I’m anti Yup I have allergies And I go ah-ah-ah ah-choo How many pills do I have to ingest To not think I’m dying from phlegm in my chest? Open mouthed breathing looks dumb But don’t judge, I’m doing my best Won’t go outdoors if I can But then the dust comes and spoils my plan I can’t stop sneezing, my Kleenex Are in the trash can They’re wet from nose water and can’t be used more I have to go find another store Cause allergies mean ah-ah-choo And I sneezed on little children Now I’m shunned like I’m a villain And my allergies Should still get all the boos Stuck in bed while nose is running Sinuses are su-per stuffy I still have allergies And I go ah-ah-ah-ah choo So much ah-ah choo Argh this is painful my throat’s swollen, still. Wish I had germs I could kill Cause allergies Means my immune System’s what the kids call extra Sneezing’s really got me messed up Take my allergies And I’ll feel bad for you But I’d never share with people Even if I could, it’s evil To give you my allergies And all of these ah-ah-ah ah choos I hate these allergies And all these ah ah ah ah choos
11.
Pot of Gold 02:32
Do you want a shoe? I’ll make you one or two But first you need to get to me And that’s tough I’m someone you’d feel Is totally not real Improbable at best And yet I exist Sometimes I wish that I was tall Sometimes I’m scared that I might fall But then I stop and hold Coins from my pot o’ gold My problems are destroyed Top o’ the world The place where I live Is colored ROYGBIV Not somewhere you’d expect That I could sit down And yet it supports Me and my bright green shorts So get to climbing And don’t ever look down Sometimes it’s nat-u-ral to fear The rainbow’s gonna disappear Just ‘cause it’s hard to see It didn’t cease to be Don’t think about the void Go Go Go Go Get your pot of gold It’s heavy so hold on Sometimes I give people false hope Then I’m like ha ha ha ha nope You’ve got the ROYG blues But you can still get shoes As long as I am paid A lot of gold
12.
Tomb Trap! 02:53
I picked a pimple, oops My blood has turned to ooze I’ll unravel it’s a wrap I’m doomed today Purchased this place for me In what they call BC Now I know I could clear mountains from a plate What can I eat? Tomb trap! It makes me depressed! I hear my gut it’s grumpy and it’s rumbly Tomb trap! This gold is not food! I’m hun-gr-y, I’m hun-gr-y Huge nap! Don’t need so much rest! The years went on and on and on without me Huge nap! I wish that there was Alarms for me, Alarms for me! then It’s barren and it’s cold Not messy, guess that’s good Yeah I’m bitter, who can bandage up my soul? Who’ll help me find my heart? I think it’s in a jar I would find it but my eyes are in a bowl This really sucks! Huge nap! Think I need a job But such a gap between work in my C.V. Loose flaps also won’t look good They’ll laugh at me! They’ll laugh at me! Tomb trap! Outside there’s a mob I think they think that I’m a rotting zombie Tomb trap! It’s really not good! They’re after me! They’re after me! They left my brain inside my body The worksmanship was shoddy If they did not I might be not me But I am really not sure how all this works Tomb trap! It makes me depressed! I hear my gut it’s grumpy and it’s rumbly Tomb trap! This gold is not food! I’m hun-gr-y, I’m hun-gr-y Huge nap! Don’t need so much rest! The years went on and on and on without me Huge nap! I wish that there was Alarms for me, Alarms for me! Glue wrap! Tends to fall apart As years go by and same goes for my body Move fast – I wish that I could What’s wrong with me? What’s wrong with me? Tomb Trap! My crown must by tar- Nished – king no more, now I am just a mummy Huge crap – is how I must look Don’t look at me, don’t look at me now
13.
The plan is I will rule, Hyrule I’ll bring about eternal night, with magic might I’m hoping for a broken Link, I’ll make him fight Kidnapping Miss Zelda Link’s out there cutting grass, with downward sword And I am taking steps to be, an overlord I could do this a dozen times, and not get bored Kidnapping Miss Zelda I am evil, ugly inside through and through, even through time Don’t like people, don’t like most animals too, but I like crime Used the force, the force is tri Two thirds of it eluded me, triumph was nigh So now I’ll use my back-up plan, to rule on high: Kidnapping Miss Zelda I’m still scheming, looking to burgle Link’s flute, to no avail Place is teeming with little monsters and brutes, and they all fail Rage and hate, and hate and rage It makes me want to put the world, inside a cage And here’s my plan to bring about, this brutal age: Kidnapping Miss Zelda Bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad Bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad One for all, that one’s not me I’m only for my personal, supremacy When I proclaim myself as king, I’m gonna be Kidnapping Miss Zelda Kidnapping Miss Zelda Kidnapping Miss Zelda Not a nice fella Kidnapping Miss Zelda
14.
You came out with a scream, and with a stream Dripping from your green eyes You're six weeks, you're beautiful, but you cry You're all red like a beet, ooh what a treat I keep asking, oh why? You're six weeks, you're beautiful, but you cry Going crazy, can't get rest I wonder what, that's like I forget I tried to take, you out to shop You threw a fit, and would not stop In a matter of weeks, my hair has gone gray And I know the reason why You're six weeks, you're beautiful, but you cry You're a baby, and a pest I'm going nuts, every night, no rest I tried to take, you out to shop You threw a fit, and would not stop You wake up with a shriek, and don't stop all day Nowadays time does not fly You're six weeks, you're beautiful, but you cry You're six weeks, you're beautiful, but you cry
15.
Grizzly Bear 03:48
I wanna be a grizzly bear, why would I not? Life is simple, eat and sleep and squat I’d go north for summer, stay warm with my coat Bears are so good that they are the GOAT Oh, half the time I’m eating out I get fresh fish like pike or trout Delicious berries in my mouth when claws don’t tear You all better beware When I’m a grizzly bear I would be a bear like Yogi You could call me OG Optimal Grizzly Nobody would diss me When running uphill human beings won’t catch me And they will not be complaining when I’m a bit gassy I’ll scowl at any owl with the gall to sass me Hoo Hoo is not cool, dude Cryptic sounds are not classy I’ll swing at pesky moths just from force of habit Hitting them with rabbit claws minus the rabbit And it’s no problem if I cannot be employed It’s all good if my home woods won’t be destroyed Yeah, that grammar was wrong but you see When I am a bear you won’t dare bring that up to me Oh, half the time I’m eating out I get fresh fish like pike or trout Delicious berries in my mouth when claws don’t tear You all better be scared When I’m a grizzly bear Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr When I’m a grizzly bear Grrrrrrrrrrrrrr I’d show up and scare the heck out of Goldilocks So much that she soaks her socks Then run a little just to get fish crates off loading docks And go ballistic on some punk kids who are throwing rocks Without getting sweaty like a bunch of football throwing jocks I would be like Baloo not King Louie All my possessions would hardly mean a thing to me My canine teeth would make it clear I’m no cuddly sort I’d stay away from men with guns since they might hunt for sport Another thing is no one would mug me And not only because I won’t have any money I know I will not be number two I am the first guy who will be ursine I want it more than all of you I wanna be a grizzly bear, why would I not? Life is simple, eat and sleep and squat I’d go north for summer, stay warm with my coat Bears are so good that they are the GOAT Oh, half the time I’m eating out I get fresh fish like pike or trout Delicious berries in my mouth when claws don’t tear You all better beware When I’m a grizzly bear When I’m a grizzly bear I wanna be a grizzly bear, why would I not...

about

15 song parodies, all reasonably clean/inoffensive. Of the hundreds of songs I've written, I think three have something to do with grizzly bears. Two of those are on this album.

As of 10/05/21, four of the tracks on this album will have been featured on the FUMP.

credits

released September 2, 2021

All lyrics by Ethan Mawyer. Vocals on the title track are by Melissa Raye, and everything else is by anonymous freelancers.

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Ethan Mawyer New York, New York

Comedy/parody lyricist. I also write books.

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